


If I Needed Someone

by bh542119



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-17
Updated: 2014-05-17
Packaged: 2018-01-25 10:14:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,191
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1645067
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bh542119/pseuds/bh542119
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was cruel, really, a new burst of hope every time the screen lit up, hope that maybe this time it would be Sidney calling him, sending him a text, leaving a voicemail. It never was.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If I Needed Someone

There were times when the silence was the worst part.

The fear, the uncertainty, the physical inability to do things he once took for granted, all of those things weighed on Kris’s mind. But the silence was when it caught up with him, and dominated his thoughts. The awkward gaps in between the words when people tried to talk to him and cheer him up; the echoing weight of an empty house. And the heaviest silence of all...from him.

Kris flipped his phone around in his hand, toying with it and keeping in constant contact just in case. It wasn’t that his phone stayed quiet for long, of course; people were constantly checking in. Not the one person he wanted to hear from, though, the one person who mattered the most. It was cruel, really, a new burst of hope every time the screen lit up, hope that maybe this time it would be Sidney calling him, sending him a text, leaving a voicemail. It never was.

Drawing in a long breath, Kris swung his legs over the edge of the couch and struggled to his feet, immediately closing his eyes as a fresh wave of dizziness washed over him. He fought the urge to slump back down into the safety of the cushions, though, forcing himself instead to make his wobbly way into the kitchen. He needed to eat more than he needed to sit down, or at least that’s what the voice in his head was telling him… oddly enough it sounded a lot like his mother. He sighed as he pulled on the refrigerator door; it was heavier than it used to be, and not just because of all the food that had been stuffed inside by a steady stream of his teammates’ wives.

Kris had been touched by how many people had reached out and tried to help – but now, as he looked at all of the foil-covered pans and plastic containers filling the shelves, he felt a surge of anger at who hadn’t. Some of the dishes provided, the calls received, were from people he barely even knew, linked to them only by association with the team or the city; friends of friends, wives and girlfriends he’d met once or twice, people from the front office.

So where the fuck was Sidney?

***

_“Why do you always call me ‘Sidney’?”_

_Kris glances up from his phone with a frown, shifting his legs slightly on Sidney’s lap. “Besides the fact that it’s your name?”_

_“That’s not what I mean,” Sidney says impatiently. “I mean… instead of Sid. Like everyone else.”_

_“Ah. I see.” Kris smiles. “Because you are too serious for this name. This ‘Sid’. It doesn't fit you, I think."_

_“Oh.”_

_Kris bends one leg up so he can squeeze Sidney’s thigh with his toes. “Why do you ask?”_

_“No reason. Just seems so…formal.” Sidney replies, running his hand absently over Kris’s shin._

_“You don’t like the way I say your name?”_

_Sidney’s deep-in-thought expression cracks slightly and he allows himself a small, private smile, eyes cast down at his lap. “No, I do.”_

_Kris shifts closer, smirking. “You think what we do is…formal?” he teases._

_“Only if we do it in top hats…”_

_Kris’s eyebrows raise and he cranes his head down to peer into Sidney’s downturned face. “Did you just make a joke, Sidney?”_

_“Why do you sound so surprised?” Sidney replies, unable to hide the proud smile twitching at the corners of his mouth. “I can make jokes.”_

_Kris grins and slides onto his lap, straddling him and laughing as Sidney’s cheeks start to turn red. “You made a joke,” he murmurs, running his finger along Sidney’s jaw line. “My serious Sidney.”_

***

Kris shoved the stainless steel door back against the frame again, the force of his movement causing him to grip onto the edge of the counter to steady himself. He pounded the marble surface with his fist in frustration – at his inability to do simple tasks without getting exhausted, at Sidney’s sudden disappearance, at his whole damn life. A single hot tear trickled down his cheek and he wiped it away angrily with the back of his hand, cursing silently to himself at the momentary weakness.

No crying. Not over this…and never over him.

He wanted – needed, really – to yell, to scream, to let out the anger and resentment that was building up inside of him. As tired as he felt, the ire bubbling just below the surface gave him energy that needed to be released. Shoving his hand into his pocket, he retrieved his phone and scrolled to the number he knew by heart; his finger hovered over the ‘Call’ button as he pondered his next step. What would he say once Sidney answered? What if Sidney didn’t answer? He shook his head quickly and opened a text message, instead. He needed time to think.

[hey]

It was all he could come up with, but the terseness of his text – if there was such a thing – seemed to fit his mood. So much he wanted to say, but lacking the ability to express it. Setting his phone down on the counter, he folded his arms in front of him and rested his chin on them, staring at its blank screen for what felt like an eternity. Finally the screen lit up and his heart leapt into his throat as he eagerly snatched the phone up.

[Hey.]

An equally short response. Kris glared at it and tried to steady his trembling hands as he typed out a reply.

[you around? come over]

[Do you need something?]

[I need you to come over]

Kris chewed on his bottom lip nervously as he waited for Sidney’s response; it took longer than the other ones, and every minute that passed without hearing back made his stomach clench tighter. Finally, after what seemed like an hour, another message appeared on the screen.

[Okay. Give me ten minutes.]

***

_“What are you doing?” Sidney’s voice is shaky, his smile even more so as he looks around nervously._

_Kris smiles and tightens his grip on Sidney’s shirt, pulling him in even closer. “What do you think I’m doing?” he murmurs._

_“I think…I don’t know,” Sidney replies. He smells like beer and champagne and chlorine, skin still wet from the unplanned swim he and Kris just took, cheeks blazing and radiating heat as Kris leans in. “I thought we were going to change.”_

_“We are. We will.”_

_Sidney laughs, that awkward little laugh of his that makes Kris’s skin tingle. “So what are you-“_

_“I just wanted to try something first,” Kris says, cutting him off. “That okay?”_

_Sidney doesn’t answer, staring at him through wide, unfocused eyes as Kris continues to move in – and then their lips are brushing against each other, and Kris’s hand is sliding down to Sidney’s hip, and their pool-soaked bodies are pressing together for the first time. When they break apart, Kris can’t help but laugh softly at how red Sidney’s ridiculously full lips have become from the contact._

_“What?” Sidney asks hazily, sheepish smile in place._

_“Nothing,” Kris replies. “You just have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do that.”_

_“Liar.”_

_“A long, long time. I have.” Kris hooks a finger into the waistband of Sidney’s clammy jeans and pulls him back in purposefully. “Seemed like a good time to try.”_

_A shout of protest can be heard from outside, followed by a loud splash, and then another, and another, and then raucous laughter. Kris laughs, glancing in the direction of the noise. “Sounds like someone else just took a swim with the Cup,” he says with a grin._

_“I swear, if those idiots dent it…” Sidney says, frowning. “Maybe we should get back out there.”_

_“Maybe we should.” Kris doesn’t step away, though, curling the rest of his fingers inside Sidney’s jeans and letting his thumb rub against the outside._

_“Kris…really, maybe we should get back out there,” he says again. But he doesn’t move, either, holding Kris’s gaze, his hips jutting forward subtly against Kris’s touch._

_“Or… we could just stay here a bit longer.” Kris smirks and leans in to kiss him again, then reaches over and clicks the lock on the bathroom door into place._

***

Ten minutes didn't seem like nearly enough time for Kris to gather his thoughts and figure out what he wanted to say to Sidney when he arrived. He was hurt and angry, but at the same time a part of him clung to the hope that there was a legitimate reason for the lack of contact - what that might be, he wasn't sure. He just knew he didn't want to believe that Sidney would abandon him now.

A knock at the door drew Kris out of his thoughts as he turned and stared blankly at it, trying to figure out who it could be. Slowly he made his way over and peered through the peephole - it was Sidney. Instead of just walking in like he always did, Sidney had knocked.

Sidney never knocked.

Kris paused with his hand over the doorknob, drawing in a deep breath before turning it and pulling the door open. Their greeting was silent, just a nod of recognition - far from the beaming smiles and eager embraces they usually reserved for one another. Wordlessly, Kris stepped aside to let Sidney in and closed the door behind him, staring at his back in confusion as Sidney moved past him into the living room.

There was something strange about his expression, something disconnected, like Kris was anyone else. Kris had seen that look on his face before - hundreds of times, really. But never with him. Not when it was just the two of them and Sidney could just relax, be himself, let his guard down even a little bit. Kris felt his eyes narrow as he watched Sidney lean awkwardly against the couch; he wanted to yell at him, but his brain couldn’t piece together the words, couldn’t express the hot anger bubbling up inside of him with every passing second.

“So…what’s up?” Sidney asked.

His face was calm but he sounded a little nervous, and there was a cautiousness to the way he was watching Kris – like he wasn’t sure if Kris was going to fall apart in front of him or start screaming at him. Kris wasn’t entirely sure, either.

“What’s…up?” Kris repeated in disbelief. “That’s all you can say?”

Sidney shifted his weight uneasily and stared down at his hand as he played with the back of the couch. “Well, what do you want me to say?”

“How about ‘hey, Kris, I’m sorry I left you all alone to go through this horrible shit’? Let’s start there.”

“Look, I-“

“Where the hell have you been?” Kris said sharply, cutting him off. The blood was pounding in his temples and he clutched at the back of a chair as a surge of dizziness washed over him. Sidney looked alarmed and started to move towards him, but Kris waved him off angrily. “You didn’t think you should maybe call or check in when you found out-“

“When I found out?” This time it was Sidney’s turn to interrupt. “Kris, you didn’t even tell me what happened. I had to find out from a reporter. A couple of the guys were asking me how you were doing and I didn’t know why! Do you have any idea how shitty that made me feel, that I didn’t know?”

Kris swallowed hard. The first person he’d wanted to call, after his parents, was Sidney… but he couldn’t. The emotional toil of telling his mother and father and hearing them cry on the phone had taken too much out of him. And part of him had been scared of how Sidney would react, scared that it would chase him away – now he was scared that he’d been right.

“I’m so sorry you had to go through that,” he said quietly, sarcasm dripping off of every word. “That must have been really hard for you.”

“Kris-“

“No, really, Sidney.” Kris let go of the chair and took a step toward him. “What a horrible experience for you. I hope you have a lot of supportive people around you so you can get through this difficult time.”

At least Sidney had the decency to look embarrassed, Kris noted, and for a moment he did feel bad. But only for a moment. He wasn’t inclined to let him off the hook for this.

“I just…I don’t get it,” he continued sadly. “After everything, after all the years. Not even a text. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, Sidney, but when you did find out…nothing. Why?”

Sidney stared down at his feet silently; Kris could see the lines on his face settling into the calm, disconnected look he adopted when he didn’t want to reveal anything, when he was holding something back. Kris recognized it immediately, and a new rush of anger boiled up inside of him.

“Get out,” he spat. “Just get out. If you can’t even manage to-…I can’t. I don’t want you here anymore.”

“Kris…”

“Get…the fuck…OUT!” Kris yelled. Sidney jerked his head back in surprise, as if Kris had punched him in the face; he opened his mouth to speak, but closed it again with no words coming out, and for a moment he just stared back at Kris, bottom lip clamped between his teeth. Then with a shake of his head, he turned and walked out, closing the door quietly behind him.

Kris sank down into the nearest chair, his whole body shaking as he stared at the closed door. He felt even more tired than before, so tired, like he could sleep for a year and not feel refreshed. And around him… just silence.

***

_Kris eyes Sidney from across the room, inspecting him curiously. They haven’t spent a whole lot of time together yet, but Kris notes that there’s just something so sad and isolated about him, something so guarded. Like he’s afraid to say or do the wrong thing in case someone’s there to see it. He knows Sidney has friends, he knows he’s capable of having fun and smiling and even attempting a joke now and then – but it comes in flashes, and if you blink, you miss it. Kris never wants to blink again._

_He breaks away from the little pack of teammates chatting about their evening plans and saunters over to Sidney’s stall, standing over him without speaking until Sidney glances up at him, eyebrows raised questioningly._

_“Hi, Tanger.”_

_“Sidney,” Kris replies with a nod, then cracks a hopeful smile. “So… me and some of the guys are wanting to go out tonight, you would like to join us?”_

_Sidney glances over his shoulder at the others, offers a small, apologetic smile in return and shakes his head. “No, thanks. You guys have fun, though.”_

_“Oh. Okay,” Kris says, trying to hide his disappointment as he starts to walk away. After a few steps, though, he pauses and turns back. “Do you_ ever _go out?” he blurts out before he can stop himself._

_Sidney flushes, clearly surprised by the bluntness of the question. Kris can see him trying to find a diplomatic response – he almost wishes Sidney would just tell him to fuck off, that it was none of his business, anything that wasn’t planned and tested and perfect._

_“I do,” he finally says. “But…I prefer to stay in. When I go out, it draws attention to everyone. And then the guys can’t just relax, they have to worry about people watching us and following us and it’s not fun.” From someone else, those words might sound arrogant – but not the way Sidney says it, so matter-of-fact, acknowledging but not enjoying this aspect of his fame._

_“Oh.” Kris can feel his own face start to get a little warm and he smiles, embarrassed.  “That makes sense. Sorry. I just...sorry.”_

_“Don’t worry about it.”_

_“No, it’s just that I like hanging out with you,” Kris continues hurriedly. “I thought maybe you didn’t…I don’t know. Sorry.”_

_Sidney laughs, awkward as always, his eyes shining more than Kris remembers them doing so. “Thanks, Tanger. And stop apologizing.”_

_“Sorry. I mean…shit,” Kris says, grinning as he rubs the back of his neck. “Anyway. I should go.” He starts to walk away again, and for a second time stops mid-step. “I like to stay in sometimes, too,” he adds. “If you ever want company…”_

_They exchange sheepish grins and Kris wanders off, smiling to himself, almost certain Sidney is watching him go._

***

Over the next few days, Kris drifted in and out of a restless sleep; when he was awake, he spent his time lying on his side and staring out the window. The only phone calls he answered were from his parents, letting the rest go to voicemail. None of them were from Sidney, anyway, and that was all he cared about.

Or didn’t.

People stopped by occasionally, bringing food and cards, tiptoeing around and whispering and cleaning up as quietly as possible to allow him to rest. At first he tried to be polite, saying hello and letting them try to cheer him up before returning to their normal lives - after a while, though, he stopped doing even that much, instead pretending to be asleep when anyone else was around. It didn’t much matter, they had his spare key and passed it around to whoever was on “Kris Duty”. His actual presence seemed almost irrelevant to them, which was how Kris preferred it.

So he hardly noticed when his front door opened one night, and then closed quietly. He didn’t register the time or bother himself with sitting up and acknowledging their presence. And when his bedroom door creaked open slowly, he barely stirred, assuming it was one of the wives checking to make sure he was still breathing. He squeezed his eyes shut, just waiting for them to go away.

“Kris…” Sidney’s tentative whisper cut through the darkness, the mattress dipping slightly as he sat on the edge, the faint scent of alcohol wafting off of him. He reached out a hand and began stroking Kris’s hair, softly, a familiar touch that had been absent for too long. Kris fought back the lump that lifted into his throat and kept his eyes closed, not wanting to open them and have it turn out to be an all-too-vivid dream.

“Kris…I’m sorry,” Sidney continued. Even at a whisper, there was pain in his voice; he leaned in as he continued to run his fingers through Kris’s hair, his other hand reaching out and closing tightly around Kris’s. “I’m so sorry. Fuck. I didn’t know what to do, I was scared and I didn’t know how to…I couldn’t…Kris, please forgive me.”

Kris didn’t answer, but he gave Sidney’s hand a squeeze, opening his eyes and tilting his head up to look at Sidney. He could barely make out Sidney’s face in the faint glow of the moonlight, but he looked like a wreck – his hair was uncombed, his face red and swollen, his eyes unabashedly filled with tears threatening to spill out. The lump in Kris’s throat grew bigger and he squeezed Sidney’s hand again.

“I do,” he finally managed to whisper back.

Sidney nodded and leaned in to kiss him, and Kris latched on to him, never wanting to let him go, breaking away when the need for air became too great. Then he reached up and tried to pull Sidney down next to him – something he would have been able to do in the past, his body now too weak to shift Sidney’s muscular form more than an inch or two. But Sidney knew what he wanted, carefully sliding himself around so that he was lying next to Kris, arms wrapped firmly around Kris’s chest.

“I thought I was going to lose you,” he murmured. “And then I thought I did lose you. And it scared the shit out of me.”

“You can’t get rid of me that easily, Sidney,” Kris replied softly.

“Good. Because I love you too much to let you go.”

***

_“You know, someday you’re going to tell me you love me, Sidney Crosby,” Kris muses, running his fingers lazily across Sidney’s bare chest, chin resting on his shoulder. “And I’m going to believe you.”_

_“I don’t tell people things like that,” Sidney replied._

_“Maybe not in the past,” Kris says with a smile. “But that was before you met me. Now…”_

_Sidney laughs and wraps his hand around Kris’s wrist, stopping it’s circular motion. “What makes you think you’re so special?” he teases._

_“Oh, I am.” Kris catapults himself over Sidney’s side so that he’s lying in front of him, laughing at the pained expression Sidney makes at being rolled over. “I’m the best.”_

_“You’re okay.”_

_Kris leans in and kisses Sidney purposefully, holding his chin in his hand as they pull apart. “I’m more than okay when I’m with you.”_

_“You think that’ll make me tell you I love you?” Sidney asks._

_“Uh huh. Someday. You’ll see. And I’m going to believe you.”_

***

The sun poured in through a crack in the blinds and crept across Kris’s face, rousing him from a deep sleep as he squinted against the light. He wasn’t a morning person, and usually hated that kind of intrusion… but not today. Today he was going to skate for the first time. He smiled excitedly, and as carefully as possible he inched his way out from underneath the arm that was draped across him. Sidney was excited about it, too, of course, but he didn’t need to wake up just yet.

Kris stumbled a little on his way to the bathroom, his legs not quite as awake as his brain, and caught himself just before slamming into the wall. It was practically a daily ritual, but today he was a bit less steady than usual, his body experiencing a particularly aerobic workout the night before.

Since his late-night appearance at Kris’s bedside, Sidney had stayed over every night, the two of them falling asleep wrapped around each other as if each was afraid to let the other one go. And while Kris still dealt with bouts of depression, his mood improved drastically with Sidney around – a calming presence when he needed it, a warm smile when he wanted it, and strong arms to keep him safe always.

It had only been a few days since Kris had finally felt well enough to do more than sleep. That first time had felt like their first time all over again, Sidney constantly fearful of pushing Kris too far, Kris constantly craving more. By the second time, though, they had found their old rhythm. And by the third time, well… Kris arched his back and grimaced at the throbbing in the new muscle he never knew he had, until that third time.

Kris looked over at Sidney and smiled. He was snoring softly, sprawled on his stomach with one arm flung out across where Kris’s chest had been, his bare back peeking out from under the rumpled sheet. His hair, which usually cast an almost childlike innocence on him, now was tousled and matted in a way that looked positively sinful. It was Sidney at his most vulnerable; unpolished, unguarded. Perfect imperfection. Kris almost didn’t want to wake him up…but he couldn’t help running back over and leaping onto the bed, flopping across Sidney’s back and drawing a loud “oof” in response.

“What the fuck,” he muttered sleepily, rubbing one hand over his face while the other one reached around to identify the source of his wake-up call. “Kris…Jesus, what’re you doing?”

Kris shifted his body so he was perfectly lined up with Sidney’s half-awake form, pressing his lips against the back of Sidney’s head before resting his own head there. “It’s time to get up,” he replied. “Just thought you should know.”

“Mmph.” Sidney buried his face in the pillow for a moment, then rolled over just enough so that Kris slid off of him and sat up, turning to look down at Kris with one eyebrow raised. “You’re a nutjob, you know that?”

“I do,” Kris said with a grin.

“Crazy person,” Sidney added, shaking his head with a yawn. He started to slide to the edge of the bed, but was stopped by Kris’s hand grabbing on to his arm. “Kris, come on.”

“Where are you going?” Kris asked.

“To take a shower,” he said, wresting his arm free from Kris’s grasp with a laugh and getting to his feet. “Seriously not normal,” he muttered as he walked toward the bathroom.

Kris rested his head on his arm and watched the salaciously curved outline of Sid’s ass as it bounced away from him, grinning at the welcome sight. He probably wasn’t normal… but he was starting to _feel_ that way again, and that was what mattered.

“Hey, Sidney…wait for me!”


End file.
